Jan: The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan.
Michael: Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good.
Jan: Michael.

Jan: Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael: [scoffs] When have you ever done that?
Jan: I'm doing it right now. To you.

Jan: Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand?
Dwight: That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan.
Jan: Really?
Dwight: Yeah.
Jan: OK, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.
Dwight: Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?
Jan: No. Please don't use my cell phone ever again.

Michael: You're dropping an A-Bomb on me here.
Jan: Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you?
Michael: Well, yeah, I mean, what is...
Jan: You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.
Michael: No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party...
Jan: And you had a luau....
Michael: ...it happens once every billion years.
Jan: And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money.
Michael: Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N.
Jan: Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn't even make sense.
Michael: Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage.

Jan: You seem a little bit agitated, Michael. What's the problem?
Michael: The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can't say anything.
Jan: Well, that... that's true in a way. You can't say anything.
Michael: Where's the line? Where's the line, Jan.
Jan: Do you need to see the video again, Michael?
Michael: No, I've seen the video.
Toby: [to Jan] He talked the whole time.
Michael: No, I didn't. [to Jan] Huh, what? [everyone looks up at blow-up doll]

Michael: You would have done the same. You just didn't think of it first.
Jan: Mike... Michael. Please. I... I... really.
Michael: It's... That's...
Jan: That's not my sense of humor.

Michael: Okay. [to man entering office] Hello. [introduces] Jan. Mr. O'Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny.
Jan: Wha...
Michael: I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues.
Albiny: [to camera] And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits.
Michael: This guy does it all.
Jan: [to Albiny] 'Scuse me, I'm sorry. [to Michael] Michael. Mr. O'Malley is your lawyer.
Michael: What?
Jan: Mr. O'Malley is our Corporate lawyer. We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management, such as yourself.
Michael: So I'm not in trouble?

Michael: Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine.
Jan: It said that.
Michael: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.
Jan: Alright. But you will let me run this meeting.
Michael: Uh huh, uh huh. [under his breath] Power trip.
Jan: What?

Michael: It's just a couple blocks away, so... boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you?
Jan: I know Scranton.
Michael: At all!

Michael: Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead.

Michael: We should come up with a signal of some sort.
Jan: Why would we need a signal?
Michael: Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal-
Jan: What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael?
Michael: Well, I... it could be either of us.
Jan: You're gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that.
Michael: Yeees.

Michael: Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould.
Jan: Just Jan Levinson.
Michael: No Gould?
Jan: No. [To Christian] Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long?
Christian: No, not long.
Michael: Uh, Jan, what happened?
Jan: Michael.
Michael: Is Gould dead? What uh-
Jan: Michael, we got divorced, ok?

Michael: First guy says "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn". And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort". And the third guy says "I gotcha both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe".
Christian: Ohhh no! [laughs] Oh my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!
Jan: [to waitress] Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please?

Michael: That's why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn't have to just shout non-sense words. That's her fault.

Michael: Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh.
Jan: Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really.
Michael: Oh, so you're not gonna play? She's not playing.
Christian: It's not fair.
Michael: She's not playing the game.
Jan: We'd been fighting for a while-
Michael: Check please.
Jan: He didn't want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine.
Christian: You didn't.
Jan: I was stupid.
Michael and Christian: No.
Michael: No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right?
Christian: That's right.
Michael: You know?
Christian: You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists.
Michael: It's true.
Christian: You said "World, this is my blood! It's red, just like yours. So love me!" 
(The expressions on her face are priceless)

Michael: We did it!
Jan: We got it!
Michael: Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here.
Jan: I am really- [Michael kisses Jan] Thrilled. [Michael and Jan kiss again] Let's go.
Michael: What!?
Jan: Let's go.
Michael: Goin'. Ok. Where we goin'? Doesn't matter. Goin' to the go go. [nervous laugh] Oh-ok.

Michael: Interesting. Jan is calling me. Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all. [puts Jan on speakerphone] Yeah?
Jan: Michael.
Michael: Jan! To what do I owe this pleasure?
Jan: I am returning your many calls.

Jan: I expect you to forget anything that you think may have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior.
Michael: Been thinking about you.
Jan: Ok, that is an example of completely unprofessional behavior.

Michael: Yep.
Jan: Are the cameras with you...
Michael: No.
Jan: ...in your office?
Michael: They are not. Yes, they are. [Jan hangs up] That's my girlfriend.

Jan: Thank you.
Michael: It's nice to see you.
Jan: Nice to see you too, Michael.
Michael: Really?
Jan: Not like that.
Michael: Oh, well.

Michael: I'm a little confused. 'Cause first it's all like kissy-kissy. And then it's like all regret. Because "Oh, I regret that." But, "Wait, I'm still gonna call you." But, but, "We're just gonna talk business. And I may come down and fire you if you don't do your job." But what were talking about when we first kissed? Business. (The face Steve's doing here is priceless too)

Michael: We're talking about office stuff. Can I ask you a question?
Jan: No.
Michael: This is a business question. It's nothing personal, I promise.
Jan: Fine.
Michael: Are you wearing a new perfume today?
Jan: How is that a business question?
Michael: Well, you're wearing it at the office. And [smells Jan] it, I'm sorry, but no offense, but it's really sexy.
Jan: Please don't smell me, Michael.

Pam: Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting.
Michael: I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt.
Pam: You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.
Michael: I did not, not, not use those words.
Jan: Uh, I'd like to sit in on that meeting [to Pam] is it happening right now?
Michael: No, it's in like ten minutes.
Pam: Everyone's waiting in the conference room.
Jan: Great. Very good.

Dwight: Next suggestion.
Michael: "Don't sl-", ok, that's blank [Dwight picks up note] Don't, just put it-
Dwight: "Don't sleep with your boss"? Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?

Jan: I can't, I can't-
Michael: I don't understand why you're so upset.
Jan: Please sit down.
Michael: Let me ask you-
Jan: You're gonna sit here and I'm gonna go sit over there.
Michael: Ok, let me ask you this.
Jan: Please, sit yourself down.
Michael: Let me ask you something.
Jan: What, Michael.
Michael: Where did you get your outfit?

Michael: I just don't understand why you have to pretend like nothing happened.
Jan: Because nothing did, Michael. It, I'm not going to say anything more about it, and I would advise that you do the same
Michael: Look-
Dwight: Michael?
Michael: Oh my God...
Dwight: I'm sorry, am I interrupting? Oh God; were you guys making out?
Jan: No, Dwight; come in.
Dwight: Great.

Michael: You do? How do you get in?
Dwight: I have a copy of your key.
Jan: That's a serious offense!
Michael: That is a serious offense. Very serious. As is toying with a man's heart.
Jan: Oh! Michael, for God sakes!

Dwight: I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace.
Michael: Ok, third wheel, why don't you do that?

Jan: Ok! Here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna step outside, collect my thoughts, and I will return in about ten minutes.

Jan: Look, I know it's your job, I know you have to ask, but I promise you, I'm not gonna discuss it with him, I'm certainly not gonna discuss it with you. [digs a cigarette out of her purse] Do you have a light?

Michael: Wait, wait, wait, come, I just, I just wanna know why?
Jan: Michael, now is not the time or the place.
Michael: Ok, so you're saying that there is a different time or place?
Jan: No, I am saying we are never having this conversation.
Michael: Well, ok, well never as in 'never ever ever', or never as in there's still a chance?
Jan: Never, for me, always means 'never ever ever.'
Michael: I just want to know, from the horse's mouth, what is the dealio?
Jan: Michael, it has nothing-
Michael: Am I too short?
Jan: With your looks, ok? It's your personality. I mean, you're obnoxious, and rude, and, and, and stupid, and you do have coffee breath, by the way, and, and I don't agree about the b.o., but you are very, very inconsiderate.
Michael: Really?
Jan: Really. You're, you're, you're a great guy, ok?
Michael: I appreciate that, thank you.
Jan: And you were very sweet, and you stayed up with me and talked with me, cried with me, and I appreciate that-
Michael: No, I wasn't, I didn't cry-
Jan: At this time in my life. I just am not in the place right now where I'm looking for a relationship, so we can still work together, we can still be friends but... ok?
Michael: So my looks have nothing to do with it?
Jan: Ohhh, God.

Pam: Today's a 'women in the workplace' thing. Jan's coming in from Corporate to talk to all the women about... um... I don't really know what. But Michael's not allowed in. She said that about five times

Michael: [knocks] Hey, what's going on?
Jan: Michael... I thought we agreed you wouldn't be here.
Michael: Yeah... I... You know what... I... I... I just thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say.
Jan: What are you doing?
Michael: Hold... Just hear me out. What is more important than Quality? E-Quality. Now studies show that today's woman, the Ally McBeal woman, as I call her, is at a crossroads...
Jan: Michael.
Michael: No, just uh... you have come a long way, baby. But I just... just want to keep it within reason.
Jan: Michael.
Michael: They did this up in Albany...
Jan: You are not allowed in this session.
Michael: And they ended up turning the break room into a lactation room which is disgusting so...
Jan: Now you're really not allowed in this session.

Michael: Women in the workplace... yeah, translation "I have been banned from my own conference room so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls." Oh! Sorry. 'Women of the workplace.' About what? I don't know. Clothes. Me. Eeegkh!

Pam: Jan.
Jan: Yes, Pam?
Pam: Michael's still at the door.
Jan: Michael!

Jan: I don't know what you're doing here, Michael,
Michael: Just having a little 'guys in the workplace' thing.
Jan: ... but it's very destructive

Jan: There are always a million reasons not to do something.


Jan: What? A union! What...
Michael: Don't get hysterical.
Jan: I'm not...

Michael: Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.

Michael: Ok. Come on Jan. After all we've been through...
Jan: Michael! Michael! Michael!
Michael: We have a history...
Jan: Michael.
Michael: ...between us.
Jan: Don't say another word.
Michael: I won't
Jan: Get yourself down stairs.
Michael: I'm just saying we have something... Ok. Whatever.

Kelly: What about second base? Like if Michael said that he got to second base with you? Does that mean you like closed a deal?
Jan: Excuse me?
Kelly: I mean that's a baseball term, right?
Jan: I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know.

Angela: Are you married?
Jan: I'm divorced.
Phyllis: That must have been hard.
Jan: It was. Yes.
Kelly: You were probably feeling really depressed and sad and that's why you did that thing with Michael.
Jan: I think you should all spend a little more time thinking about your careers and less time on personal stuff.
Phyllis: Mmmm, I think we're all okay with the balance we've struck.
Angela: At least you don't have kids. You have no kids, right? Thank God.
Jan: Okay. Let's take five. I think we can all use five.
Kelly: How can someone so beautiful be so sad?

Michael: Hi.
Jan: Did you take care of the situation?
Michael: Yuh, yuh, yes! I... I have essentially...
Jan: Excuse me.
Michael: I have essentially. Yes. I've taken some...
Jan: Excuse me. I've been told there's been some interest in forming a Union and that Michael supported it. Obviously he's not a friend of yours because he didn't tell you the facts. So let me. If there is even a whiff of unionizing in this branch, I can guarantee you the branch will be shut down like that [snaps her fingers]. They unionized in Pittsfield and we all know what happened in Pittsfield. It will cost each of you a fortune in legal fees and union dues and that will be nothing compared to the cost of losing your jobs. So I would think long and hard before sacrificing your savings and your futures just to send a message. If you have any further questions you can direct them to... to Michael.


Craig: No, I just ignored her. She's the worse.
Josh: She is our boss.
Craig: She ain't my boss dude. I don't work for that bitch.
Michael: Ay, Kay. Come on, you know, that's not. Cool it.
Craig: What? You like Jan? How can you like Jan?
Michael: Maybe because she's my girlfriend. [starts retracting statement] Was, or not my girlfriend. She's... we hooked up and...
Josh: You hooked up with Jan?
Michael: You know, months ago, just once, It's, just stupid. Just forget it,
Josh: Yeah, let's change the subject.
Michael: Yeah, yeah. 

Jan: Nervous, no I'm not nervous. Well, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Umm, the new CFO is judging me on this too, and well, it is Michael, so. Yeah, I'm very nervous.

Craig: Oh man, you know what? Michael made that stupid movie, he doesn't get into any trouble? Maybe I should have slept with you, too. [David looks at Jan, who glares at Michael.]


Jan: Oh, Michael. Thank you again for that, really. It was very nice.
Michael: Oh, no big deal. Really. Sorry again.
Jan: Oh, no, it's OK. [Puts hand in way of elevator door to stop from closing.] So, uh, Happy valentine's Day.
Michael: Yeah, Happy Valentine's Day. [Jan turns and then kisses Michael. Michael looks and sees camera, Jan turns and sees camera, too. Elevator door closes.]
Jan: Oh.

Jan: Hello, Michael.
Michael: Hey, you.
Jan: I'm... returning your call, you said it was urgent.
Michael: It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.
Jan: Well, today's not my birthday, so...
Michael: Really? 'Cause, I thought we had the same birthday.
Jan: ...Happy birthday, Michael.
Michael: Thanks. [grins]
Jan: Am I on camera?
Michael: Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. [Jan hangs up]
Michael: [to Ryan, sitting across from Michael] ...You can take a five, if you want. 

(Yes, it does says LAUGHS in there. Amazing.)

Michael: Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day.